If Apple Built Cars

Tim Cook Driving The Apple Car

Bloggers have warned about the dangers of Microsoft and Google forays into the automotive industry.

Did you know that Apple could be making cars by 2020? That’s right, your favorite (or most hated) tech company might be the biggest name in automobile manufacturing within the next decade.

While it might sound ridiculous, Apple simply doesn’t want to be left behind as other tech companies like Tesla and Google are already making waves in the auto industry. As many sources point out, Apple is even luring some of the brightest minds in vehicle manufacturing to its Cupertino headquarters, developing a secret project with the not-so-secret name, “Titan.”

Will the Apple car fall close to the tree or turn out to be just another lemon?

The Good

  1. Doesn’t everybody love the Genius Bar? Apple vehicle dealerships wouldn’t be complete without a white desk full of greased-up Apple car geniuses.
  2. Sitting in traffic just got a lot more entertaining now that you can access the in-car App Store. Playing Tower Defense on your car ride home has never been so satisfying.
  3. Apple long ago patented its signature “slide to unlock” technology. Instead of clicking your key fob, simply slide your finger across your door handle.
  4. The company wouldn’t settle for anything less than the best car commercials you’ve ever seen. It’s no secret that Apple has a top-notch marketing team, so expect awesome TV commercials for their first automobile.
  5. Sure, you may not be able to customize any software, but there will be endless accessories you can buy. Colored seat belts and blinged-out headlights from Wal-Mart are just some of the cheap accessories you can add to your car.

The Bad

  1. Your vehicle would come with a rechargeable battery, but the cord wouldn’t be long enough to reach an outlet.
  2. Every year, your car would be out of commission for a few days as it updates to an entirely new and unfamiliar operating system.
  3. Siri commands would become the most frustrating thing in the world as it repeatedly mishears your voice commands, offering to “search the web” instead of providing any real help.
  4. You can only listen to U2 in your car, but at least you get all their new albums for free.
  5. Every model would have patently uncreative names like the iCar, iCar 2, and of course, the iCar S3.
  6. Apple fanboys would never stop talking about how great their vehicle is.
  7. You’d have tons of useless companion apps that just take up space. Your iPhone is full of these ridiculous apps like Passbook, Newsstand, and iTunes U – what are these apps and who even uses them?
  8. Your car will have limited customization options and is only available in three colors: gray, silver, and gold. Don’t like your tires either? Too bad – as soon as you take them off, Apple voids the warranty.
  9. Soccer moms rejoice, the Apple car might look like a minivan. According to multiples sources, Apple’s “Titan” project is nothing more than a sleek version of the Honda Odyssey.
  10. Steering wheels? Apple is too good to use old-fashioned technology like that. Your new steering wheel will look just like the Click Wheel from your old iPod.

The Ugly

  1. Your kids would be better at using it than you are. Yes, this will most certainly be the case. Hopefully the car will offer completely autonomous driving so your 8-year old doesn’t wind up in the driver’s seat.
  2. Apple will know everything about you, where you’ve been, what kind of fast food you like, and what kind of music you listen to.
  3. There will be a huge black market for knockoff Apple cars in China. We can only expect these fake cars will have barebones safety features.
  4. It could be a huge flop. Just look at the Apple Watch right now, which is achieving underwhelming sales and hype around the tech community. Let’s not forget other memorable flops like the G4 Cube or Apple gaming system, Pippin.
Michael Nozick

Michael is pre-law student at UGA. He writes for Leverable and other business and digital marketing blogs. He's known to immerse himself in international and technology news.

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